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Transform Your Marriage
 Everyone
knows that there will be conflict in a marriage at some point.
Furthermore, everyone handles those moments of trouble in different
ways. However, two psychologists say they can review a couple’s
interaction over a short period of time and provide them with important
information.
John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute, think they
can save your marriage. Or more accurately, they think they can help you
save your marriage.
The two psychologists have studied married couples for more than a
decade and they say that by observing a couple in just one short
session, they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether they couple
will stay married or get a divorce.
Here are a few pieces of advice from their book
10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage that appeared on
ABCNews.com:
• Always try to behave like
good friends. That means you need to pay attention to
what’s going on with your partner and then act in empathetic, caring
ways just like good friends do. One Gottman Institute study showed that
in good marriages, couples make five positive statements for every one
negative statement when they discuss subjects of conflict.
• Be gentle and kind when
handling conflict. It’s important that couples not lock
themselves into rigid positions when they argue. Each has to remember to
listen respectfully to the other. You have to keep talking.
What are some of the negative qualities the psychologists look at as
warning signs in couples?
• Unrestrained criticism.
This is
defined as
complaints that mushroom into attacks on your partner’s personality or
character. The Gottman’s say that these types of statements often start
with “You always” or “You never.”
• Constant defensiveness.
This is when a partner counterattacks to defend his or her innocence and
to keep from taking responsibility in the relationship. It is often
recognized by complaining or whining statements.
• Contempt.
This is when criticism leeches into disgust or hostility. Hallmarks of
contempt are eye rolling, sarcasm, belligerence, name-calling and
mocking.
• Stonewalling.
This is when a partner completely pulls away from the
conversation, pretending to have no reaction and ignoring the other
person.
The Gottman’s say that couples can do positive things to help strengthen
relationships:
• Soften your approach.
When you broach sore subjects, do it in a kind and caring way. Don’t
start out by insulting your partner. Show that you are going to be a
willing listener.
• Turn toward your partner.
This means that you’re not going to turn against or away from your
partner emotionally while you discuss difficult issues. So, for
instance, if your partner looks at you during an argument and offers a
smile and you remain stone-faced, you’re headed for troubled waters. You
have to show that you accept your partner’s attempt to make an emotional
connection.
• Try to repair your
conversation. Insert a bit of humor. Find some way to
break the tension.
• Be open to being influenced.
Being stubborn or domineering in a relationship is bad
news. It won’t get anyone where they want to go. Partners who can manage
being influenced by their significant others are often on their way to
building strong, long-lasting relationships.
Up Your
Internet Security
 According
to Schneier on Security, a weblog by Bruce
Schneier covering security and security technology, there are about a
dozen things you can do to make yourself more secure when you use the
Internet. Here are some of Schneier’s recommendations:
• Turn it off. In general, when you’re not using your computer, it
should be shut down.
• Keep your laptop with you at all times. Schneier says you should
treat it like your wallet or purse. (You can include your PDA in this,
too.)
• Back up your files regularly. Store at least one set of back-ups
off-site and one back-up on-site.
• Destroy your old backups.
• Limit the applications you use. Clean up every once in a while.
Uninstall applications you don’t use.
• Think before you do business on a website.
• Use credit cards, not debit cards, online.
• Never reuse a password for something you care about. Assume that PINs
can be easily hacked.
• Don’t assume that e-mail you receive is actually from the address
listed.
• Delete spam without reading it.
• Never click links in an e-mail unless you’re absolutely sure about
the e-mail.
• Buy a firewall device.
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